The Kid Question: As Told By a Happily Married Lesbian

By Tayler Rey

 

“So when are you going to have kids?”

 

Ah. The question. The sister question to when are you going to get married? The distant cousin to why don’t you ever date? If you haven’t experienced this question—congratulations, you are single. Someone back in the day adopted the “get married and start a family right away” storyline and apparently everyone else in the world is following suit. Sure, I think it’s flattering people want to see us as parents and spoil our offspring, but pump the brakes people! We already have dogs. And sleepless nights actually sound awesome—I’ve been dealing with them for 25 years and let me tell you, they rock. Why not add a little crying babe into the picture just to test the strength of my sleeping pills.

 

The type of people prone to asking these questions are likely going to follow up with one or all of the following:

 

“Oh your house is so clean now, just wait until you have kids…”

 

So I can have mini maids running around helping me clean? Sign me up. I will pray to every god in the book every night that our kids will inherit my uncontrollable urge to make my house look like a model home.

 

“When are you going to start trying?”*

 

[*I have good friends who that ask us this all the time that I don’t mind answering with a simple we don’t know. Key words being “GOOD FRIENDS.”]

 

Side note: I don’t want to know if you, my heterosexual acquaintance, are “trying.” I’d rather not have that image in my head of you and your spouse attempting to procreate, just as much if not more than you don’t want an image of me lying on a fertility clinic table spread eagle with my feet in medieval torture restraints. Come on people. When we start “trying” no one will know. Why? Because unless you are fronting the bill or loaning me your body, you don’t get the inside scoop. *mic drop*

 

“Enjoy a bikini while you can, once you have kids your body will never be the same.”

 

I’m not even always confident in wearing a bikini pre-pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do it. Why would I blame a beautiful child for wrecking my body. I’ve been doing it for years with pizza and beer anyway.

 

I try to wrap my head around why these questions are asked so frequently and why each reaction is almost always the same. My wife and I have been together six years. SIX YEARS. That’s almost 100 years if you factor in us being lesbian. We kept it traditional and U-Hauled at six months then waited almost five years to get married (pick your jaw up off the floor) and now we are here… in the “do we have a baby or get drunk on the couch?” phase.

 

Do you think this article is over? It’s not.

 

I can’t leave out my favorite group of interrogators. The ones who remind us we are actually too young for kids. Those people are in my Top Eight—is that still a thing? Thank you, friends, for the unsolicited advice I’ll never ask for. People have some guts. The amount of times I’m told to “enjoy time with my wife” makes me wonder if Megan is actually my wife or if my real wife is out there waiting for me to spend time with her.

 

Which brings me to another chapter in the “when are you going to have kids?” saga. After finding the nerve to ask when and lecturing us on the age factor there’s a whole new breed that comes out when they realize its two women. Ohhh.

 

My favorite is when they start out talking about adoption, like natural childbirth is completely unrealistic. Then I actually had a coworker offer me her uterus. I kindly reminded her that a uterus is not the missing piece to our fertility puzzle. And to clear the air on something we’ve been asked more often than we’d like to admit; my wife won’t feel “left out” because our child won’t share her genetic makeup. She fully intends on teaching them things I don’t know, like how to not take out the trash.

 

People may not think it’s out of line asking people about their child-bearing plans, but sometimes it is. If you have to ask yourself, “Is this out of line?” prior to opening your mouth, it’s probably best to just shut up.

 

Bottom line: stop asking others when they are going to have kids like having kids is the automatic next step after marriage. Everyone knows that’s buying a house and we already did that—so for now just let us relish in the adulting points that come with property taxes and fixing your own toilet.

 

 

 

 

Tayler Rey is a wife, dog-mom, active homebody and cousin of Flawless Project co-founder Emily Joy. She lives in Phoenix with her wife Megan and deleted their blog a while ago. 😉 The photo above is from Tayler and Megan’s wedding and is by The R2 Studio, whose work can be found here!

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